It is currently March 28th, 2024, 7:25 am

All times are UTC-04:00




Post new topic  Reply to topic  [ 17 posts ]  Go to page 1 2 Next
Author Message
PostPosted: April 2nd, 2020, 4:26 pm 
Offline
Extreme Ghostbuster
Extreme Ghostbuster
User avatar

Joined: April 2nd, 2020, 4:07 pm
Posts: 44
Zodiac: Scorpio
Hello, you can call me catnoir1998. I have here a GB story called Ghost Business, named after
one of the working titles for GB1. It's a continuation of the original franchise. Hope you all are interested. I'll be posting the story as soon as I can. :D :egon:

_________________
"Sorry, folks. Park's closed. The moose out front should've told ya." -- John Candy from National Lampoon's Vacation


Top
   
PostPosted: April 2nd, 2020, 6:05 pm 
Offline
Extreme Ghostbuster
Extreme Ghostbuster
User avatar

Joined: April 2nd, 2020, 4:07 pm
Posts: 44
Zodiac: Scorpio
Ghostbusters: Ghost Business

by catnoir1998

Based on original ideas by Dan Aykroyd & Harold Ramis

CHAPTER ONE: Lilith


Waking up one day in the firehouse HQ of the Ghostbusters is
Dr. Ray Stantz. He stretched and yawned. He had a flashback
dream that he kept having for over a month. Before the team
fought Gozer, Ray was on a mission at Fort Demerring, in which
he encountered a lovely woman ghost who kissed him. From there,
Ray got twitterpatted.

Ray sighed and got up and he slipped into his Ghostbusters
jumpsuit. He was ready for a new day.

In the kitchen were Dr. Peter Venkman and his fiancee, Dana Barrett,
Prof. Egon Spengler, Winston Zeddmore, the GB's receptionist, Janine
Melntiz, and the GB's accountant, Louis Tully. Oh yeah, and the company's
mascott, Slimer AKA Onionhead.

Ray entered the kitchen.

"Morning, guys," he said.

"Oh, hey, Ray," said Venkman. "What'll it be? Waffles
or pancakes?"

"Waffles, please."

"Make 'em yourself."

Ray scowled at Venkman.

"Kidding! Come on, humor me."

"That was rude, not funny," said Ray.

"Stop it, you two," said Dana. "Just calm down and let's eat."

"Yeah," said Louis. "And hurry. I don't wanna miss '20 Minute Workout'."

"Okay, okay," said Venkman, making Ray's waffles.

Ray sat down at the table. He noticed that Egon was updating
the P.K.E. Meter.

"How's the upgrade going, Egon?" asked Ray.

"Almost done," said Egon. "Just have to add some finishing touches
and we get a P.K.E. Meter with better frequency and better reception."

"Cool," said Ray.

Ray started thinking about the dream he had. He remembered the kiss
he got from the lady ghost. It was obvious that Ray was in love with
a 150-year-old ghost woman.

"Hey, Ray, you okay?" asked Winston.

"Hmm? Oh, yeah. I had that dream again."

"Oh, the girl ghost at the old fort?"

"That's the one. Boy, she was lovely."

"Do you remember her name?" asked Dana.

"Her name was Lilith. Look, I know what you're thinking: I'm
crazy to be in love with a 150-year-old ghost lady."

"I think so," said Venkman as he served waffles for Ray.

"Want some maple syrup?" asked Venkman.

"I'll take care of that, thank you," said Ray, taking the Mrs. Butterworth's
bottle of syrup.

After breakfast, Venkman was pacing back and forth, bored out of his
mind.

"Janine, any calls?" he asked.

"Not yet, Venkman," said Janine, also bored.

Venkman groaned. "We haven't had any opportunities for two
days. I want to bust ghosts."

Ray slided down the pole, wearing normal attire.

"Be back in a bit," said Ray. "Gotta go open my new Occult Book
Store. We're giving out copies of Tobin's Spirit Guide."

"Okay, just be back soon," said Venkman. "Never know when we'll
have a call or something."

"Don't worry," said Ray. "I won't be long."

Ray left the firehouse. As he was walking to his new store, he noticed
a little boy being bullied.

Ray couldn't help but worry. He decided to stop this.

"STOP!" said the bullied boy.

"Name one reason why we should," said one bully.

"Uh... I got cooties!"

"Yeah, right!" said another bully.

"What's going on?" Ray asked as he came up to the situation.

"This dum-dum called us jerks because we don't believe in ghosts."

"Well, they are real," said Ray.

"How do you know, old man?" said a bully.

"Because I'm a Ghostbuster."

"GHOSTBUSTERS?? Aww, they're fake."

"They are not!!" yelled the bullied boy. "They proved to the world
that ghosts exist!"

"Baloney! Ghosts aren't real."

"Then how do you explain the Gozer thing? The giant Stay Puft
Marshmallow Man? I was there."

"Uh..."

The bullied boy had got them there.

"You know what? Forget this! Come on, let's hit the video arcade."

The bullies let go of the bullied boy and leave for the arcade.

"Thanks for saving me," said the boy.

"No problem," said Ray. "Want me to walk you home?"

"You mean to the orphanage? No thanks. Like I have any other place
to go."

"Why don't you come with me to my new store? I got some cool
stuff."

"Okay, Mr. Ghostbuster," said the boy with a smile.

"I'm Dr. Ray Stantz, by the way. What's your name, small fry?"

"Jeff."

"Nice to meet you, Jeff. Hey, how about later I show you Ghostbusters HQ?"

"You'd do that?" asked Jeff, eyes aglow.

"Why not? You seem like a good kid. Besides, I think you need
a friend."

Jeff couldn't be any more happier. He gave Ray a hug.

As the two of them walked, Ray saw something paranormal.

"Uh-oh..."

Lights were flashing in the Sedgewick Hotel. A maniacal laugh
was heard.

"Now what do you suppose is going on here?"

END OF CHAPTER ONE

More to come!

_________________
"Sorry, folks. Park's closed. The moose out front should've told ya." -- John Candy from National Lampoon's Vacation


Top
   
PostPosted: April 4th, 2020, 9:45 am 
Offline
Administrator
Administrator
User avatar

Joined: July 26th, 2007, 5:15 pm
Posts: 3693
Location: Indianapolis
Zodiac: Taurus
I'm gonna guess Ray's your favorite? :lol:

Not too bad a start.

_________________
Image


Top
   
PostPosted: April 4th, 2020, 11:39 am 
Offline
Extreme Ghostbuster
Extreme Ghostbuster
User avatar

Joined: April 2nd, 2020, 4:07 pm
Posts: 44
Zodiac: Scorpio
Actually, the GB I love most is Egon. But, I thought Ray needed some attention.
BTW, thank you.

_________________
"Sorry, folks. Park's closed. The moose out front should've told ya." -- John Candy from National Lampoon's Vacation


Top
   
PostPosted: April 5th, 2020, 12:10 am 
Offline
Extreme Ghostbuster
Extreme Ghostbuster
User avatar

Joined: April 2nd, 2020, 4:07 pm
Posts: 44
Zodiac: Scorpio
Chapter two is a short one, but hopefully, the story will get more interesting later with new ghosts and stuff. If you guys got any ideas for new ghosts and characters, PM me.



Chapter Two: Egon's Vulnerable Heart/Jeff Checks Out the Firehouse

Ray barged into the firehouse HQ along with Jeff. They panted
out of breath. Venkman was the first to notice Ray's return.

"Woah! That was fast," Venkman said in a smart-guy voice.

"Ha-ha," Ray said sarcastically. "The reason why I came back so
soon was because I think some paranormal activity is going on
at the Sedgewick Hotel."

Venkman turned to Slimer, glaring. "What did you do this time,
Slimer?"

"Hey," Slimer said in protest. "What makes you think it was me?"

"Because that's where you always cause trouble."

"Guys that doesn't matter," said Ray. "What I think is that we need
to spring into action. Let's gear up. Janine, the alarm!"

"You got it, Ray!" Janine said, pounding the alarm button.

"LET'S ROLL!" Ray called out as he puts on his GB jumpsuit.

Egon and Winston slide down the pole.

"Hey," said Venkman. "Who's the kid?"

"Oh, that's Jeff," said Ray. "Janine, Louis, Dana, keep an eye on him."

"Right, Ray," said Louis.

Before he got into the car, Egon noticed Janine flirting and laughing
with Louis. He sighed sadly. How did Janine fall for Louis in the
first place? Ever since Louis became the company's accountant and
all, he seemed to spend a lot of time with Janine. Egon thought he
and Janine were meant to be. Guess not.

"Hey, Egon," said Ray. "You alright?"

"Well, it's Janine," said Egon as he got into the Ecto-1. "I just
can't understand why she fell in love with Louis. I thought she
loved me. I mean, she gave me a good luck charm for our battle
with Gozer. A 1964 New York's World Fair coin."

"So that's where it came from," said Winston.

"I thought you don't believe in luck, Egon," said Ray.

"I don't," said Egon. "But that's not the point."

"Love is not easy, Egon," said Venkman. "Especially for Ray."

"Hey!" protested Ray. "I was kissed before."

"By your parents?"

"No, by Lilith."

"Here we go again..." Venkman rolled his eyes.

"Save the romance stuff for later, okay?" said Winston. "Let's get
down to business."

The Ecto-1 drove away.

"Wow," said Jeff to the three remaining adults. "I'm actually in
the Ghostbusters Firehouse! The Ghostbusters who fought Gozer!
Awesome!"

"You know," said Louis. "Me and Dana were there."

"Get out! Really?"

"Yes," said Dana. "We were possessed and turned into the Terror Dogs."

Jeff gasped. "You mean you two were The Keymaster and Gatekeeper??
Vinz and Zuul???"

"Bingo!" said Louis. "Hard to believe I was a dog, huh?"

"Yeah," said Jeff. "What was it like being a killer demon dog?"

"Honestly," said Dana. "We have no recollection of being Zuul and
Vinz Clortho."

"Yeah, no clue," said Louis. "But I had a feeling that me and Dana...
kissed."

"Eww! Yikes!" Jeff reacted, sticking out his tougne.

"Okay, I guess I shouldn't have brought that up," Louis said,
blushing.

"You think?" said Dana, sarcastically.

"Come on, Jeff," said Janine. "Let me show you around the Firehouse. Now, don't touch anything, okay?"

"Consider my hands are to myself," Jeff said.



Sorry for this chapter being short. I know what you're wondering: is this a Janine and Louis shipping story? No. Trust me, Egon will win Janine's heart. But I won't tell you, when or how. You just have to find out later.

_________________
"Sorry, folks. Park's closed. The moose out front should've told ya." -- John Candy from National Lampoon's Vacation


Top
   
PostPosted: April 7th, 2020, 2:24 pm 
Offline
Extreme Ghostbuster
Extreme Ghostbuster
User avatar

Joined: April 2nd, 2020, 4:07 pm
Posts: 44
Zodiac: Scorpio
Update on Ghost Business: I'm also writing the story in screenplay form for a project. The story will still be in regular mode. By the way, how's everyone enjoying my story?

_________________
"Sorry, folks. Park's closed. The moose out front should've told ya." -- John Candy from National Lampoon's Vacation


Top
   
PostPosted: April 7th, 2020, 6:08 pm 
Offline
Administrator
Administrator
User avatar

Joined: July 26th, 2007, 5:15 pm
Posts: 3693
Location: Indianapolis
Zodiac: Taurus
It's tough introducing a new kid character into an established narrative. It's even been done with Ghostbusters with some successes and some far more notorious stinking failures.

I'd say you're doing okay so far.

_________________
Image


Top
   
PostPosted: April 7th, 2020, 6:21 pm 
Offline
Extreme Ghostbuster
Extreme Ghostbuster
User avatar

Joined: April 2nd, 2020, 4:07 pm
Posts: 44
Zodiac: Scorpio
True, it's a challenge adding a child into a Ghostbusters storyline, but I'm up for challenges. Hopefully, I'm not one of those Mary Sues you guys keep talking about.

_________________
"Sorry, folks. Park's closed. The moose out front should've told ya." -- John Candy from National Lampoon's Vacation


Top
   
PostPosted: April 8th, 2020, 3:00 am 
Offline
Extreme Ghostbuster
Extreme Ghostbuster
User avatar

Joined: April 2nd, 2020, 4:07 pm
Posts: 44
Zodiac: Scorpio
Okay, here's what I'm thinking: I think I should rewrite Ghost Business a little because I thought of new ideas for this story. Plus, it will add more details to Ray's love for the ghost at Fort Detmerring.


Image

And this will take place during the holidays. I mean, who doesn't love the holidays?

Image
So, stay tuned for some changes to the story.

_________________
"Sorry, folks. Park's closed. The moose out front should've told ya." -- John Candy from National Lampoon's Vacation


Top
   
PostPosted: April 8th, 2020, 3:33 pm 
Offline
Extreme Ghostbuster
Extreme Ghostbuster
User avatar

Joined: April 2nd, 2020, 4:07 pm
Posts: 44
Zodiac: Scorpio
Okay, here's my rewrite:

August

Fort Detmerring, NY

Dr. Ray Stantz, a Ghostbuster, investigated the old haunted fort.
He was in the captain's bedroom. He checked his P.K.E. Meter, no
paranormal activity... yet.

Ray looked in the closet and found an old captain's uniform.

"Hmmm," he said to himself. "I wonder how I'd look in these things?"

Ray shrugged, put down his proton pack and tried on the captain's
uniform.

"It fits me!" he said.

He went to the mirror to see for himself. He does heroric poses
at his reflection.

Then, Ray started to yawn and sat down on the captain's bed. He rested
his head on the pillow and yawned again.

"A good five minutes wouldn't hurt..." he said as he drifted to sleep.

A uniform sleeve moved slightly. A sabre in its sheath began to tap
lightly against the open doorsash. A phosphorescent light streaked out
in between gaps in the clothing, casting patterns over the room.

Ray's P.K.E. Meter went off.

From inside the attire, a pink mist rose up and took on a human form.
It hovered above Ray and seems to look over Ray.

Ray, still asleep, rolled onto his back. The mist slithered through
the curtains of the bed post and slowly descended.

The ghost appears to be a beautiful young woman. She was face to face
with Ray.

Ray woke up to see the lovely ghost woman's face. He gasped and
blushed furiously.

"Uh... hi..." Ray said nervously.

"Hello, Raymond," said the ghost lady.

Ray gasped again!

"H-how did you know my name?! And who are you?"

"My name is Lilith. I was an officer's girlfriend back
when this fort was a stronghold. He's been gone for over
a century."

"You must be all alone," said Ray, sadly.

"Yes," said Lilith.

"Don't be sad, Lilith," said Ray. "You may be a ghost, but
it's not too late to make new friends."

Lilith smiled at Ray and she gave him a ghostly kiss on the cheek.
Ray was shocked. First he felt a little confused, then he became
twitterpatted. He was now in love with a lovely ghost lady.
========================================
December -- Five Years Later

On the morning before Christmas Eve, Ray was waking up out of bed.
He dreamt about Lilith again. It had been months since the delightful
encounter, and Ray had urges to go back to the old fort to pay Lilith
a visit.

Dr. Peter Venkman, Ray's teammate on the Ghostbusters, entered the
bunk room, feeling positive.

"Morning, Ray," said Venkman, opening up the blinds in the window.
"Rise and shine, sleepy head."

"I'm up, Venkman," Ray said, stretching and yawning. "Say, you're
in a good mood today."

"Well, who wouldn't be if you're getting married on New Year's Eve
and Christmas being two days away?" smirked Venkman.

Ray did a fist bump. "Yes! I love Christmas!"

"Because of the presents?" asked Venkman.

"Well, that, but mostly because of friends and family getting
together."

"Gotcha," said Venkman.

Ray got out of bed and slipped into his Ghostbusters jumpsuit.
When he was about to put his boots on... he noticed that there
was slime (or ectoplasmic residue) inside them. He knew what
happened.

"Slimer??"

A green slimy ghost named Slimer (AKA Onionhead) flew into the
bunk room. Slimer was the first official ghost ever captured by
the Ghostbusters. A month after the Ghostbusters defeated Gozer,
Ray found out that the slimy ghost had a good nature. So, he decided
to let him hang around with the team. Before long, Slimer became the
Ghostbusters' mascot.

"Hiya, Ray," said Slimer.

"Did you slime my boots?" asked Ray, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh that," Slimer said, blushing. "Sorry. I was looking for something."

"Let me guess, Slimeball," said Venkman. "Food?"

Slimer shrugged. "Hey, a ghost has to eat, right. Speaking of food,
it's waffle time! Come and get it!"

Ray and Venkman went down the pole and into the kitchen.

In the kitchen, Winston Zeddmore, another Ghostbuster, was serving
waffles and drinks to everyone.

"Here you go, Egon," he said to Dr. Egon Spengler, who was upgrading
the P.K.E. Meter. Egon gave Winston a thumbs up as a thanks.

"Here's yours Dana," said Winston. Dana Barrett was the Ghostbusters
first customer. She got possessedas Zuul the Gatekeeper when Gozer
invaded New York City. The Ghostbusters were able to save her after
killing Gozer. Dana is now Peter Venkman's fiancée. Venkman had been
in love with Dana ever since she walked into Ghostbusters HQ, and now
she'll be his, all his.

"Bon apatite, Janine," said Winston. The Ghostbusters receptionist,
Janine Melnitz, had been working with the team since square one. At
first, she thought this group wouldn't last, until after the capture
of Slimer and the coming of the press, she began to have faith in
the team, especially Egon. But lately, she hasn't been paying attention
to Egon.

"And for Louis, waffles and not only coffee, but also some mineral
water," said Winston.

"Don't mind if I do," said Louis. Louis Tully was also possessed by one
of Gozer's minions: Vinz Clortho the Keymaster. Now he is the Ghostbusters'
accountant.

Lately, Janine had been having an interest in Louis for some
reason. And that has been bothering Egon, because he knew that
Janine was in love with him first.

"Morning, team," said Ray as he and Venkman and Slimer entered
the kitchen.

"Hi, guys," said Janine.

"Yo!" said Egon in a tough voice.

Winston served the other two and Slimer breakfast. Slimer gobbled
down his waffles in a split second.

"Typical Slimer," said Venkman. "Always a pig."

"Ahem," said Slimer. "I happen to be a ghost."

"Ignore him, Slimer," said Egon. "It's only a figure of speech."

"Hey," Ray said as he was pouring maple syrup on his waffles. "I
had that dream again."

"The one about the ghost woman at the fort?" asked Winston.

"Yeah," said Ray. "I'm telling you, I can't stop thinking about her.
She's beautiful. I want to see her again."

"Well, who's stopping ya?" asked Venkman, sarcastically. "Ray, falling
in love with a ghost is impossible. She's 150-years-old for fun's sake.
Besides, I think you need an actual girlfriend."

Ray now felt sad. Venkman was right. He needed a girl. All the others
have girlfriends and fiancées.

"Don't listen to him, Ray," said Winston. "He's just jealous."

"Am not!" said Venkman. "I happen to be getting married in a week,
and it's not a ghost."

"Ugh! I'm gonna take my breakfast elsewhere," Ray said, leaving the
kitchen.

"Happy now, Venkman?" asked Egon.

"Dirty pool," said Dana.

"Who's the dummy now?" said Slimer.

Venkman sighed. "I guess I did go too far."

"Leave him alone for now," said Dana. "This fort ghost lady
really means a lot to him."

The rest of the team eat their breakfast.

More to come, and yes, Egon and Janine will be together.

_________________
"Sorry, folks. Park's closed. The moose out front should've told ya." -- John Candy from National Lampoon's Vacation


Last edited by catnoir1998 on April 10th, 2020, 7:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Top
   
PostPosted: April 8th, 2020, 10:54 pm 
Offline
Extreme Ghostbuster
Extreme Ghostbuster
User avatar

Joined: April 2nd, 2020, 4:07 pm
Posts: 44
Zodiac: Scorpio
RING RING!

"Hello, Ghostbusters, what's up?" Janine said on the phone.
"Oh, hello, Mayor Lenny. ... Just a minute..."

Janine covers the phone receiver to call down the others.
"Hey everybody! Come quick!" she called.

Right away, Venkman, Egon, Ray, Winston, Dana and Louis ran
slid down the pole along with Slimer flying into the room.

"What is it, Janine?" asked Venkman.

"It's the Mayor," said Janine. "He said it's important."

"I'll handle this," said Venkman, taking the phone.
"Lenny, buddy, what's shaking? ... What!? No way! ...
You're not pranking me are you? ... Just a sec.
You guys are not gonna believe this... We're going
to get a key to the city!"

Everyone else gasped and cheered, jumping up and down for joy!

"Alright, we'll be there," said Venkman to the Mayor on the phone.
"Okay, bye-bye."

Venkman hung up the phone. "Now that's a perfect gift for Christmas
Eve tomorrow. A key to the city for our hard work."

"I couldn't have done it without you guys," said Ray.

Janine hugged Louis. "I have never been this happy in my life."

"Me neither, Janine," Louis replied.

They kiss.

Egon noticed this. He grunted angrily and stomped upstairs.

"Egon, what's wrong??" asked Venkman.

"Leave me alone!" he called back.

Everyone was now confused.

"I'll go speak to him," said Ray.

Ray followed Egon up the stairs.

"Spengs, what's the matter? Aren't you glad that we're
being honored by the Mayor?"

"It's not about that, Ray," grumbled Egon, arms folded.

"What's your problem? Are you okay?"

"Like you care," said Egon.

"Hey, we're a team and longtime friends," said Ray. "You can
tell me."

Egon sighed. "Okay. It's Janine. She and I had something going on.
But when Louis joined us, she suddenly fell for him and hardly pays
attention to me anymore."

"Are you saying that you're in love with Janine?" asked Ray.

Egon took off his round glasses and nodded "yes".

"Oh, I see," said Ray. "You feel dumped."

"Pretty much," said Egon with a tear in his eye.

"Egon, I am so sorry," said Ray. "I wish I can make things better."

"Fire Louis," mumbled Egon.

"Excuse me?"

"Fire Louis!" Egon said a little louder.

"I can't do that!" said Ray. "He's our accountant. Helps us with
our financial stuff."

Egon sighed. "Fine, but I want him to stay away from Janine."

"I... uh... don't think I can control that, Spengler," said Ray.
"I think this is a problem you need to figure out."

"Maybe you're right," said Egon with a sigh. "You know, maybe I should
do the right thing and tell Janine my feelings for her."

"How are you gonna do that?" asked Ray.

"No idea," said Egon.

"All I can tell you, Egon, is that you should be respectful to
Louis and handle the situation in a calm matter."

"Alright."

RING RING!!!

"Hello?" Janine answered. "Egon, it's for you!"

"Be right down," Egon called back. He headed downstairs.

Egon took the phone from Janine.

"Hello? ... Oh, Mr. Bailey, how are you? ... No, I haven't forgotten.
... 3:30 tomorrow, got it. ... Alright, see you then."

Egon hung up. "That was Dustin Bailey of the Morningside Orphanage.
He just wanted to remind me that I'm playing Santa at their annual
Christmas party tomorrow afternoon."

"That's wonderful," said Dana.

"Well, a Ghostbuster needs to make the fans happy," said Egon.
"That includes children."

"You make it easy," said Winston. "Once me and Ray went to a birthday
party, and we got booed and roasted at."

Ray cringed at that memory. "Don't remind me."

More to come. What do you guys think so far?

_________________
"Sorry, folks. Park's closed. The moose out front should've told ya." -- John Candy from National Lampoon's Vacation


Top
   
PostPosted: April 10th, 2020, 12:18 pm 
Offline
Extreme Ghostbuster
Extreme Ghostbuster
User avatar

Joined: April 2nd, 2020, 4:07 pm
Posts: 44
Zodiac: Scorpio
For the next part of Ghost Business, look out for a reference to this deleted scene from GB1:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GQTghpv0MJg

So far, there are a few references to unused content from both GB1 & GB2. And all credit goes to Dan Aykroyd and the late Harold Ramis.

_________________
"Sorry, folks. Park's closed. The moose out front should've told ya." -- John Candy from National Lampoon's Vacation


Top
   
PostPosted: April 10th, 2020, 7:00 pm 
Offline
Administrator
Administrator
User avatar

Joined: July 26th, 2007, 5:15 pm
Posts: 3693
Location: Indianapolis
Zodiac: Taurus
catnoir1998 wrote:
For the next part of Ghost Business, look out for a reference to this deleted scene from GB1:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GQTghpv0MJg

So far, there are a few references to unused content from both GB1 & GB2. And all credit goes to Dan Aykroyd and the late Harold Ramis.


Well, everyone knows I'm fond of that scene; I reference it during Egon's proposal and of course during the wedding story.

A small suggestion:

The way you wrote Ray's flashback as taking place in August and the "present day" in December makes it sound like they're in the same year. As the Ft. Detmerring scene took place during GB1, and everything else is apparently post-GB2, perhaps revise one or the other to make the time differential more clear. Such as "August...Five Years Ago..." or "December---Five Years Later"

And if this takes place in December, does that mean it's actually before the final Vigo battle, which clearly took place at the transition from December 31 to January 1?

_________________
Image


Top
   
PostPosted: April 10th, 2020, 7:08 pm 
Offline
Extreme Ghostbuster
Extreme Ghostbuster
User avatar

Joined: April 2nd, 2020, 4:07 pm
Posts: 44
Zodiac: Scorpio
Fritz wrote:
Well, everyone knows I'm fond of that scene; I reference it during Egon's proposal and of course during the wedding story.


I have read your story on that and that's a touching story. Bravo. :)

Fritz wrote:
A small suggestion:The way you wrote Ray's flashback as taking place in August and the "present day" in December makes it sound like they're in the same year. As the Ft. Detmerring scene took place during GB1, and everything else is apparently post-GB2, perhaps revise one or the other to make the time differential more clear. Such as "August...Five Years Ago..." or "December---Five Years Later"


Hmm.... never thought of that. I think I'll take that suggestion. Thanks, Fritz! :idea:

Fritz wrote:
And if this takes place in December, does that mean it's actually before the final Vigo battle, which clearly took place at the transition from December 31 to January 1?


That, I'm not exactly sure. I know about the Vigo battle, but not a lot. Maybe I should work that in there.

_________________
"Sorry, folks. Park's closed. The moose out front should've told ya." -- John Candy from National Lampoon's Vacation


Top
   
PostPosted: April 10th, 2020, 8:27 pm 
Offline
Extreme Ghostbuster
Extreme Ghostbuster
User avatar

Joined: April 2nd, 2020, 4:07 pm
Posts: 44
Zodiac: Scorpio
As you can already tell, this takes place around the time of GB2 with flashbacks from GB1. This probably might mean that Vigo has to make an appearance in my story. But I don't know how to fit him in...

Any ideas? :idea:

In the meantime, here is part 3:

Venkman was sitting in his office area, typing his wedding vows on a computer.

"Hmm..." he said, reading over what he wrote. "Something's missing..."

"Oh, Dr. Venkman," sang Janine, bringing over coffee for Venkman in a Ghostbusters logo shaped mug. "Here's your coffee. Three creams, two sugars, just like you requested."

Venkman took a sip out of his coffee and smacked his lips. "Perfect. Nice job, Janine. Hey, can you help me with my wedding vows?"

Janine took a look at the computer screen and read over the wedding vows.

"Well, I would add more details here and there, then you'd be all ready to go," said Janine.

"Thanks, Janine," said Venkman with a smile.

Meanwhile, upstairs, Egon was working on a new invention: the Ecto Drone. It's an areal device that detects ghosts and paranormal events from high and hard to see places.

Ray was busy watching "Mister Magoo's Christmas Carol" on TV. He had been singing along throughout the whole time.

"You guys should see this," said Ray. "This story is a classic for the holidays."

"Not today, Ray," said Egon. "I'm still busy with my drone. Why don't you tape it?"

"I am," said Ray.

Then, the song, "Winter Was Warm" started to play on the TV. The song took place when Belle, Scrooge's once girlfriend, was breaking up with Scrooge. When this sad song was going on, right away Ray started thinking about Lilith and Fort Detmerring. A tear went down on his face.

Egon heard the song, too. It was making him think about him and Janine.

August -- Five Years Earlier

The Ghostbusters had just convinced Mayor Lenny to let them take on Gozer and save the world. Everybody was getting ready. Police activity and military activity was all around.
Just before the team was ready to hit the road for Spook Central, Janine came up to Egon all teary and scared.

"Janine?" said Egon.

"Hi, Egon," said Janine. "I just wanted to give you something."

"What is it?"

Janine handed Egon a special coin. "This is a souvenir from the 1964 World's Fair at Flushing Meadow. It's my lucky coin."

"I don't believe in luck," said Egon. "And there may be a chance that we won't survive this."

"Well, take it anyway," said Janine. "I have an extra one at home."

Egon couldn't help but smiled. "Thank you."

With that, the two of them hug.

"Hey, Janine!" Venkman said, coming up to Egon and her. "Didn't your mama ever tell you not to get involved with any Ghostbuster, I don't think so. Go home!"

Janine stuck her tongue out at Venkman for ruining her moment with Egon and marches away.

Egon waved "goodbye" to Janine as he got into the Ecto-1.

Present Day -- December

Egon still had the coin Janine gave him that day. He had been carrying that Flushing Meadow coin in his pocket every mission ever since he received it from Janine.

He sighed sadly and got back to work on his invention.

Louis came upstairs, carrying some paperwork. "Hey," he said looking at the TV. "Mister Magoo! I loved this when I was a kid!"

"Yeah?" said Ray. "This is a good one."

"Hey, Egon," said Louis. "What are you building?"

Egon didn't want to talk to Louis because of Janine. He was still livid at him in secret for stealing her on him.

He sighed and spoke up. "It's a drone. It's kind of like a helicopter. It detects ghosts and paranormal activity from high and hard to see places."

"Cool," said Louis. "Can't wait to see it in action."

"Yeah, me too," said Egon, turning his head away.

"What's the matter Egon?" Louis asked.

"Nothing," Egon said quietly.

"Huh?"

"Nothing's the matter, okay??" Egon said, losing it a little.

"Geez! What's wrong with you, Egon??"

"Ugh. Never mind, okay? I'm going to go out."

Egon slid down the pole.

Egon went to his locker and he puts on his winter coat and earmuffs.

"Hey, Egon," said Venkman. "Where ya going?"

"For a walk," said Egon. "There's so much going on in my mind."

"You okay?"

"I don't know anymore, Venkman," said Egon, sadly. He headed for the door.

"Wait!" said Janine. "I'll go with you."

Egon couldn't believe what he heard. Janine wanted to keep him company. That was the first time in months since she wanted to do so.

"Thanks, Janine," said Egon.

And with that, Egon and Janine walked into the snowy area of NYC, together.

"Something's bothering you, Egon," said Janine, as they walked.

"How can you tell?" asked Egon.

"Well, judging by your sadness, I'm guessing that you got a problem."

"Let me ask you this, Janine: do you love Louis?"

"Well... He's a cute guy. Funny, witty, charming..."

Egon sighed sadly.

"You don't like Louis? You did save him when he got possessed as the Keymaster."

"It's not that," said Egon. "It's just that you seem to pay more attention to him than me."

"Oh?"

"I... I thought you loved me, Janine."

"Is that what this is about?"

"Mmm-hmm."

"Egon... I didn't know... I'm sorry."

She gave Egon a hug.

"I still love you, Egon," she said.

Egon started to feel a little better.

Little did the both of them know was that Louis saw Egon and Janine hugging.

"So that's it," he thought. "Egon's in love with Janine. He should've said something to me if I was hogging her from him."

"You okay, Louis?" asked Ray, turning off the TV set.

"Is... is Egon in love with Janine?" asked Louis.

"Why do you ask?" Ray asked in confusion.

"Because he's been acting..."

"Negative? Yeah, we noticed."

"It's my fault," said Louis, sadly, taking off his glasses. "I shouldn't have come to work with you. I should never have become friends with Janine. That's it, I'm quitting. I'll be here tomorrow with my resignation."

"Louis, wait!" Ray said, before Louis slid down the pole. "Come take a ride in the Ecto-1 with me. We'll talk this over."

"Well, alright," said Louis.


So much drama going on... Stay tuned for more.

_________________
"Sorry, folks. Park's closed. The moose out front should've told ya." -- John Candy from National Lampoon's Vacation


Top
   
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic  Reply to topic  [ 17 posts ]  Go to page 1 2 Next

All times are UTC-04:00


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 45 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
cron

EctoGreen © 2008, 2014 Fritz Baugh

Imageset from ClassyDark by ayasha : ASDesignz Themes : Black-Fusion.com © 2007
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Limited